Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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