I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
only you would photoshop your dick
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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