im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
