You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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