Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
