We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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