I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
