grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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