I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
