I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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