Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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