I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
