Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
