my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
