I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
