maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
