My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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