Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize