all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize