So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
