It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He shit in the fireplace
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
