Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
