I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize