Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
