Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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