you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
