i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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