there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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