Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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