I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
