You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
