please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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