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So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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