we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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