You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
