WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
