I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
