Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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