I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
