Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize