Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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