maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
