I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
