Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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