He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
