I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
