It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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