Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
