i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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