I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
