I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
