At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
