I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
as a side note pls kill me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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