listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
