Four minutes until I can fart!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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