I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
