I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
