I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
