Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was like eating out sand paper
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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