do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
It's Friday. Sex?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
