she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
