you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize