So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
